Why is it that once some people get married, they often seem to have all the “answers” for their single friends? They are qualified to share dating advice, to suggest possible matches, to impart wisdom as one who has “arrived”.
Some will even happily preach you a sermon about how to find the partner God has in mind for you. (Which assumes marriage is God’s plan for everyone, a topic worthy of much deeper discussion. But I digress.)
In their enthusiasm, I don’t think they mean to be annoying. And to be fair, not all their suggestions are unwelcome.
But if you’re married, here’s one way NOT to help your single friends “put things in perspective”:
Telling them that marriage isn’t that great either
Seriously, how is that helpful?
Someone once said that to me and I can tell you, my first reaction was not to immediately be content with my freedom and autonomy as a single. I wasn’t grateful to them for enlightening me nor was I instantly relieved to realize, Oh, isn’t that wonderful! My life may have already peaked!
No, I did not thank them for that insight.
Instead, I was deflated and defeated.
I mean, if marriage is going to be such a let down, what the heck is there for me to be hopeful about?
Then I went to a place of denial:
Well, it may not be great for you, but I’m not you. When I get married, I won’t be all negative and pouty; I’ll be happy. And my marriage will be stellar!
And my next stop was to feel resentful toward them for generalizing their experience across the entire married population.
They no doubt meant it as a reality check, perhaps to protect me –
Hey, don’t get all starry-eyed about marriage; it’s not necessarily the happily ever after you may think it will be.
But what I heard was,
Hey, don’t get all hopeful about life; either way, you’re going to be disappointed.
Did I overreact?
How about you? What has been one of the most “discouraging encouragements” you’ve received as a single? Please share in the comments below!
SingleMatters 
” Since you are single, you have more time to dedicate to the Lord.” Yes ? How exactly does that work out? I have a home , but no one helps to mow the lawn or take out garbage. I do all the same cook, clean, and shop chores too. Since there is no husband at home I need to schedule time to find people to share my life . I also work full time to pay the bills. I love to serve at church and be a part of those activities too. Married or single, we all get 24 hours and for most people (single or married), those hours are often way too full. I guess it is just a case of the grass always looks greener in someone else’s yard. It helps to try to look at life through the other person’s eyes before making “profound ” comments on their life.
Isn’t that the truth? Looking through the other person’s eyes – that’s good advice that isn’t followed nearly enough. Thanks for commenting.
I’ll save my first reaction for last.
Upon reflecting on the premise, that “my marriage isn’t good, therefore, your’s (future) won’t be either,” I didn’t get any of the “d’s” you mentioned, I got “a” as in angry. Clearly, this person is an Eeyore (remember Winnie the Pooh?), determined to pontificate on how life is in his world without thought nor care for his audience. Were you wearing your “Talk to me; I’m depressed, too” button again? No, of course you weren’t He is the kind of person who likes to project his sadness agenda to others. He doesn’t want to be alone in his mire. I think I would have immediately excused myself to find the hummus and another drink. The real sadness here is that it multiplied; therefore, your “d’s”.
No, I thought the One Thing Not to Say to Your Single Friends was, “When are you getting married?”
“Projecting his sadness agenda to others” is a great way to put it. Yes, Eeyore – perfect analogy! I agree, “when are you getting married” is a loaded question for most (and generally not helpful…) Thanks for your comment!