If one word could reflect God’s heart toward singles, this just might be it

I once took a man I was getting serious about to Kentucky for Christmas. I wanted to introduce him to my sister and her husband who hadn’t met him before. It was important to me to have someone who knew me well and cared about my future to vet this guy and give me their objective opinion.

What better setting for such an assessment than an emotionally-charged holiday with a bunch of strangers?

The weekend went smoothly and everyone seemed to get along. As we were leaving to return to Chicago, my sister pulled me aside

Goodness oozed right out of their pores

You’ve known people like that, haven’t you? If you were to look up “goodness” in the dictionary you would expect to see their face right there next to the definition. What specific traits do you think might be listed?

Marie and I (Diane) were discussing this concept recently. We began to reminisce about singles we have known through the years that we would agree are good men and good women. There were scores of them who came to mind and we discovered all had traits in common, such as:

Giving Peace A Chance

Photo credit: Flickr.com

Some days I wake up in a less than peaceful state of mind. Perhaps it’s the dream I just escaped, the looming duties of the day, or the sinking recollection of words exchanged the day before.

Maybe it’s something bigger.

If I let it, this state of unrest and anxiety can follow me all day and taint not only my own attitude but my interactions with everyone I meet.

Does that ever happen to you?

What to do when you’re “hard pressed on every side”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t go looking for sadness, disappointment, fear – or any kind of trouble for that matter. But somehow it seems to find me. I can be rolling along thinking everything is just fine and then I’ll get slammed by a rude comment, bad news, or an unexpected loss.

The apostle Paul refers in 2 Corinthians 4 to being “hard-pressed on every side” and I’m sure we can all relate to that. It comes with the territory as humans living in a fallen world.

But he points out that it is possible to be “hard pressed but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

How is that possible?

Why Gentleness is a Good Thing

I see that skeptical look on your face. “Gentleness? Seriously?”  After all, ours is a self-sufficient, individualistic culture. We admire those who are self-made and independent; those who pull themselves up by their bootstraps, who make it on their own.

So is there a place for gentleness in all that? Or do we quietly equate gentleness with weakness, with vulnerability?

Apparently, gentleness was and is a desirable trait in the mind of God. He inspired the writer of Philippians to include it among the traits that evidenced the “fruit of the Spirit”, the visible proof that someone was indwelt by God’s own Spirit.

So what would that mean, anyway, to be “gentle”?

A beautifully written post from the perspective of a widowed father.

think relationally...

The dishes need to be washed. Laundry is piled in front of the washer. My youngest, affectionately called “the boy” in this blog, normally a healthy child is sick again—three times in the last two months. And I’m still trying to finish painting the front room. Then I was asked how I’m adjusting to being a widower single dad.

My reply… just fine.

Don’t get me wrong, there are difficulties now that were not experienced when there was a spouse around divvying up the household and parenting responsibilities. There is a difference when I’m the only one responsible for the upkeep of the home, car, coordinating the doctor visits, school stuff, and more. There are no reminders that this or that needs to be done. The things left out here or there no longer magically find their way to where they belong. Yes, there are difficulties and a lot of changes.

Yet…

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Do You Have An “Ebenezer”?

No, not a grumpy person in your life, like Ebenezer Scrooge. We all have those (maybe we ARE that person). That’s a whole different concept. We’re talking about a lovely tradition from the Old Testament where those who had experienced the faithfulness of God built an altar to remind them of His goodness.

As a child I often wondered what that second verse meant!

In the Old Testament book of Samuel, the story is told how after a long period of disobedience, God’s people repented and returned to Him.  God forgave them and gave them a fresh new beginning.

To commemorate this, Samuel (their priest and judge) erected a huge stone, which he called “Ebenezer” from the Hebrew meaning “stone of help” (1 Samuel 7:12). Every time the people passed it, they were reminded of God’s mercy.

Some singles we know have established their own “Ebenezers” to the faithfulness of God:

Musing About Mephibosheth: A Really Lucky, Unlucky Guy

When he was five years old, Mephibosheth’s father (Jonathon) and grandfather (King Saul) died in battle. When his nurse heard the news, she panicked and ran. She picked up little Mephibosheth to carry him to safety with her and must have tripped in her haste. She dropped him and from the account in 2 Samuel 4, we gather he must have suffered a spinal injury because from that time on, Scripture says he was “lame in both feet”.

Of course, back in Old Testament days, if a king was defeated in battle the winning side killed or banished all the former king’s heirs so there would be no competition for the throne. Mephibosheth was forced to hide for years to come, fearing for his life and dependent on others in a society that neither valued nor made allowances for those in his condition.

Miserable.

But in an interesting twist

“I Got This, God.”

“If only I had waited on God.”

How many times have I said that to myself after I’ve barreled ahead of God and taken things into my own hands again, only to realize later that His timing would have been so much better?

Whether it’s taking a job I wasn’t really suited for, getting into a relationship that didn’t honor Him, or jumping to a conclusion that turned out to be wrong, I can point to impatience as the reason for my blunder in just about every case.

Henri Nouwen defines patience as “the discipline of seeing each moment as valuable”:

When I’m impatient, I’m looking to get out of the present moment.

Just today I read a blurb about another celebrity relationship unraveling.  The woman had taken up with a much younger man as soon as her divorce was final.  Now the younger guy was said to be cheating on her but she wasn’t ready to call it quits because, as her ‘friend’ told reporters, “She doesn’t like to be alone.  I think he’ll be around until she finds a replacement.”

One Thing Not to Say to Your Single Friends

Why is it that once some people get married, they often seem to have all the “answers” for their single friends?  They are qualified to share dating advice, to suggest possible matches, to impart wisdom as one who has “arrived”.

Some will even happily preach you a sermon about how to find the partner God has in mind for you.  (Which assumes marriage is God’s plan for everyone, a topic worthy of much deeper discussion.  But I digress.)

In their enthusiasm, I don’t think they mean to be annoying.  And to be fair, not all their suggestions are unwelcome.

But if you’re married, here’s one way NOT to help your single friends “put things in perspective”:

Telling them that marriage isn’t that great either

Seriously, how is that helpful?

Someone once said that to me and I can tell you, my first reaction was not to immediately be content with my freedom and autonomy as a single.  I wasn’t grateful to them for enlightening me nor was I instantly relieved to realize, Oh, isn’t that wonderful!  My life may have already peaked!

No, I did not thank them for that insight.

Instead, I was deflated and defeated.

I mean, if marriage is going to be such a let down, what the heck is there for me to be hopeful about?

Then I went to a place of denial:

Well, it may not be great for you, but I’m not you.  When I get married, I won’t be all negative and pouty; I’ll be happy.  And my marriage will be stellar!

And my next stop was to feel resentful toward them for generalizing their experience across the entire married population.

They no doubt meant it as a reality check, perhaps to protect me –

Hey, don’t get all starry-eyed about marriage; it’s not necessarily the happily ever after you may think it will be.

But what I heard was,

Hey, don’t get all hopeful about life; either way, you’re going to be disappointed.

Did I overreact?

How about you? What has been one of the most “discouraging encouragements” you’ve received as a single? Please share in the comments below!